Managing Social-Emotional Issues of Adults with Learning Disabilities

J Schultz photoSome guidelines for adults with learning disabilities: Managing (and perhaps mastering) the social-emotional aspects of living with a learning disability.

It’s important to start out with the reminder that although a learning disability (LD) is a life-long condition, that does not mean that it’s a life sentence. With increasing frequency, adults have found success in navigating a world lived through the lens of a learning disability, either in spite of it, or more importantly, because of the LD. A learning disability has certain common features, but it shows up in different people in different ways. This is especially true in adults. Two people born with the same type of disability may have entirely different life paths, influenced by educational, social, emotional, financial and health factors as they mature.

The path of some adults has been paved with positive experiences, while the lives of others have been shaped by the reactions of others, resulting in life conditions that are far from ideal (and even adverse), and can include negative self-thoughts and a lack of opportunities. Like any condition that throws you a curve ball, a life plan can help you navigate the often challenging social-emotional aspects of a life with LD. A learning disability does not have to define you as a person, and it shouldn’t be used as an excuse that keeps you from realizing your potential. But without a plan to guide you, the road to success may be a rocky one. This FAQ sheet explores some of the common challenges faced by adults with LD, provides some practical strategies to help you create your own life plan, and helps you take the next step toward a more fulfilling and satisfying “rest of your life.”

The questions and answers (Q & A’s) that follow are based on the questions many adults have about their learning disabilities and the impact of LD on their social-emotional functioning. It’s my hope that these “conversations” contain advice that may change the life paths of many adults with LD.

Q: What are some of the common problems that adults with LD have with forming and maintaining friendships and romantic relationships (including marriage)?

A: Many adults say that they “hide” the LD from potential friends or romantic partners. While it’s understandable–and perhaps desirable–not to “lead with the LD,” the unique characteristics of the LD usually find their way to the surface in any relationship. At some point, it’s important to share with your significant other the fact that a learning disability has impacted–and might continue to impact– your life. In this conversation with your partner or friend, focus on what you have done to work around or overcome challenges in the past, and how likely that will be to continue into the future. Making the effort to manage a life with LD is sign of character and strength. A good friend or lover is more likely to sign on as your partner in this venture when they feel like they are pairing up with a person who lives by the motto, “This might be hard, but I can do it.”

Q: How do I talk about my LD with that “special someone?

A: If you meet at a mixer for folks with LD, you might find a person who understands you better than anyone else. It might be like sparks going off, and many adults with LD find that forming a mutual support system for each other strengthens their relationship. You might bump into each others’ quirks from time to time, but if you think about that proactively, you’ll be prepared for when that happens and have a plan to work through these tough times. You might want to establish rules like, “We never accuse or blame each other.,” “We don’t argue in public,” “Please don’t talk until I sit down,” or “Never promise or threaten anything when we are upset.” If you are tech-savvy, you might want to make a video of yourself saying the things you want to say to your friend or partner, and play the tape a couple of times before you share the message in person. This kind of social rehearsal can save you embarrassment or regret later. One note of caution: don’t post this on Facebook or YouTube and don’t email it anywhere. You have no control over where these videos show up, and they live a long life in cyberspace. Writing or dictating your feelings in a paper or electronic journal might help you get the message out, and give you the chance to review it before you decide to share it (or not!).

Q: What are some work-related stressors, and how can adults manage anxiety, self-doubts, or self-esteem issues in the workplace?

A: If you have a job that takes advantage of your strengths, it will be a better fit for you than jobs that make demands on skills that are not strong.

Like everyone, folks with LD can find themselves under significant stress in jobs that require them to do tasks that they don’t do well. If you have a reading difficulty like dyslexia, or a specific math disability, or you are not great at organizing and managing tasks, and your work requires any of these skills, this means that you will not only have to work harder than other people, but also, you’ll have to work “smarter” to keep up the pace and quality of your work.

Using this extra effort can make people crabby or short-tempered, or very, very tired. This means that you’ll have make sure that you take care of yourself. Getting proper sleep, nutrition and exercise will help your brain work better. Being with friends and having fun is a good way to do that, but a trip to the gym with them before or after work is generally a better idea than stopping off at the local pub! If you do something at work that you think will get you in trouble with the boss or a co-worker, let them know about it before they find out in some other way, then apologize and let them know you will try very hard not to let that happen again. Let them know that you learned from the experience, and never, never, never blame it on your LD. Also, if you’ve made a mistake, try not to dwell on it. Make a commitment to yourself to stop worrying about it before you go to bed. Try to begin each day with a fresh start.

Because your brain is programmed to get you out of trouble when you are under stress, this miraculous organ turns on its “survival centers” and actually shuts down the “thinking brain” when you are feeling out of control, or less than competent (at work, in relationships, in sports or hobbies). The best way to get back that confidence that helps you be more confident is to “take a walk.” Literally! Put on your headset, turn on some happy, fun music (which a brain absolutely loves) and take a vigorous 15-minute walk. While you’re at it, practice what’s called “positive self-talk.” Believe it or not, when you say positive things and when you smile, your brain believes you are happy and it will work much more efficiently. Then you can get back to the job!

Q: I often misread people’s words or actions. This can cause embarrassment or rejection. What can I do avoid or manage these awkward situations?

A: Most adults tell me that there are one or two people in their lives or at work that they can understand better than others. This is usually because these associates or friends “say what they mean and mean what they say.” I would advise you to identify people like this, and hang out with them as much as you can! If you are not sure what other people mean, or you are confused by their expression or body language, learn to have the courage to say, “I’m really interested in what you think about this, but I’m really not sure what you mean.” You can also say, “I need to think about that a bit. Can you say that again?” or “I’m not quite sure that I heard you right; is this what you mean?”

Q: There are times when I just “lose it,” and flip out on people. It’s like I store all this stress and it kind of spills out. I’ve often heard (and been told) that once you’d said something you can’t take it back. What can I do to redeem myself after I’ve impulsively blurted something out? I have this massive “oops” feeling, but I think it’s too late to fix the damage.

A: It’s always okay to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant that.” It’s also okay to explain, “Sometimes I get worked up and when I do, it’s hard to control what comes out of my mouth.” Think about it: when you step on someone’s toes, it’s okay to say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Likewise, when you blurt something out impulsively, it’s always okay to say, “SorryThat’s not what I meant. Let me say that another way.”

Q: People have told met that I need a “coach” to help me improve my social interaction skills. Can’t I teach myself how to do this?

A: Think about life with LD as a golf game: Some people need a coach to give them feedback and guidance about how to improve their swing. The same is true for LD. Some people can work on this by themselves, and other people need more guidance and advice to learn how to navigate the social landscape. What kind of person are you?

The bottom line: Being an adult with LD doesn’t mean that you will not be able to have a happier, more satisfying work experience or social life. The key to success is understanding what you might be doing that pushes people away, and practicing responses that pull people toward you. Doing role plays or watching popular TV shows that depict social interactions and discussing these with friends with LD may be very helpful. Finding that special thing that you do extremely well will also help reinforce the image of you as someone who does something well–someone who takes responsibility for his or her own life.

Q: What resources should adults know about if they have concerns about their social/emotional well-being?

A: The links or books below can provide valuable guidance for adults who are working on improving their social-emotional lives.

View and/or Print Social-Emotional Issues Information Sheet

Resources
American Psychological Association (APA). “Right hemisphere dysfunction in nonverbal learning disabilities: Social, academic,and adaptive functioning in adults and children.” Semrud-Clikeman, Margaret; Hynd, George W. Psychological Bulletin, Vol 107(2), Mar 1990. http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/bul/107/2/196/
*Article may be purchased by non-APA members for $11.95.

Arlyn J. Roffman (2011) Meeting the Challenge of Learning Disabilities in Adulthood, Princeton Review. LD Online, “Social Skills and Adults with Learning Disabilities,” http://www.ldonline.org/article/6010/

National Center for Learning Disabilities, “Developing Social Skills and Relationships,” http://www.ncld.org/parents-child-disabilities/social-emotional-skills/developing-social-skills-relationships

National Center for Learning Disabilities, “Dr. Arlyn Roffman on Promoting Self-Awareness and Self-Acceptance in Teens,” http://www.ncld.org/parents-child-disabilities/teens/dr-arlyn-roffman-promoting-self-awareness-self-acceptance-teens

Author: Jerome J. Schultz, Ph.D., Clinical Neuropsychologist, Harvard Medical School
Member, LDA Professional Advisory Board

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Comments

  1. Dianna Richmond says:

    Do you have any advice for a parent of an adult child with ADD. I am not looking to be an overinvolved mother in my daughters life. My daughter misreads myself and my husband, then over reacts to the point of telling us she wants nothing to do with us. There is usually nothing we can say to change her mind or let her understand what was meant. I am concerned for her, she has rage outbursts and will not seek help. She is also considering divorce to her husband of 9 months. I know some would say my job as mother is over, but this is someone I love and watching her spiral down a path that is not very good. I wish I knew as much about ADD when she was younger, maybe I could have helped more then. Now there is nothing I can really do?

    • I can tell you, coming from your daughter’s perspective, there is nothing you can really do. At this point the choice is hers. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we realize we really do need help. I’m sorry about the bad news. I was in a similar situation. My mother got involved with my problems and all that happened as a result is I pushed her away and only spoke with her when I had to for many years. I suffered a great deal for many years. Now, I’m older, I have been in therapy for years, and I speak to my mom again. It took a lot to get to that point though. I suggest simply being there for her as much as you can, but remember that your emotional well-being is important also. Support her where she needs you, but keep your distance until she figures out what she really needs. It is going to hurt to watch her go through these things, but there is nothing else you can do.

    • Iam going through the same things as you are and i too wish i knew more about LD years ago but here we are with our adult kids and they have to live in this big real world and it’s scary for us and cause stress on our mind and body. I am learning how to talk to my child without him getting upset or walking away. This has been a changelle for myself as I deal with depression for 14 years and been with his father for 24 years, which I’ve dealt with husbands drug And Alcohol Problems and beginning in prison. I pray for you and I. Good luck

  2. Great article!!! Packed with important information to support adults with LD. Thank you so very much for writing this Dr Schultz!

  3. I am lost , I have just started researching LD, My daughter has been A learning disability &now is almost 20 and has a 8 month old daughter &has secluded her self from family &totally changed from being the perfect daughter&sister to a complete nightmare , tshe acts as if she is a total different person , I have never treated her disability like a disability & I’m questioNing my own parenting.
    Should I tell Dhr that she has LD ?

  4. Heather braswell says:

    I’m an adult with emotional impairment and have little education due to a pregnancy back in high school I now have to special needs children and find it hard to cope with their conditions on top of my own what kind of support is there for me or what kind of resources are their for me.

  5. Kathy Thureen says:

    I’m an adult with a learning disability . I find it very hard to cope with it. Any advice.

    • Have you contacted your state Department of Vocational Rehabilitation? They could probably give you some guidance &/or refer you to someone who can help. Good luck.

  6. Rebecca Sellers says:

    I was diagnosed with bipolar and Fibromyalgia, migraine, and I need knee replacement so I can’t get around on my own. My daughter is intellectually disabled since Elementary. I couldn’t parent and she got pregnant at 15. Now her son has IEP. We all live together and my husband works. We need so much help I don’t know what to say. I feel alone and I have no friends or family.

    • Hi Rebecca – Sorry that you’re having a very difficult time. Most states have a Disability Office &/or department of Vocational Rehabilitation that could probably help you or refer you to agencies that can provide you some support & guidance. Your grandson’s school counselors/teachers could also probably help. Reach out to some of these folks! Good luck.

  7. Janice Rivera says:

    I HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY AND FEEL REJECTED IN ADULT SCHOOL BECAUSE OF MY LEARNING DISABILITY AND I CANT COPE WITH MY EMOTIONAL SCARS AND MY LEARNING DISABILITY

    • Hi Janice – I am sorry you are having a hard time. Please contact the Disability Specialist/advisors/counselors at your school & see how they can help. Good luck!

  8. I have started online classes. I am having comprehension issues

    • Hi Starla – if your online classes are provided by a college or university, most have a Disability Specialist (usually in the Student Services or Counseling/Advisor department) & are required by law to help accommodate your special needs, at no extra cost to you. For example, reading assignments can be taped, & they also have tutors to help with reading comprehension. Contact whoever provides your online classes!

  9. My daughter is now 20 yrs old. My daughter was diagnosed as a young child with a visual spacial disability. She also has a math disability. She had been in special education in elementary school. She had to transfer to a therapeutic schoolgirl the last 2 yrs of high school. She gets a job but gets laid off after a short time. I think a job coach could help her. After reading this article it seemed like this article was written about her. For the parents that recently found out their grown up children have a learning disability. This article can help them too. It is never to late. Just make sure you give them some space. Let them know you are there for them. A mom who loves her daughter now til eternity.

  10. My husband and I have been married 36 years, most of them rocky. I was just diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, and I am a person who graduated from nursing school summa cum laude, and went on to earn a master’s in Educational Psychology. My masters project was on the stigma of ADHD, and while I had researched ADHD for 15 years, I was never able to identify it in myself! I now work it as a school nurse. Part of my function is doing evaluations for IEPs. Through that experience, we have just figured out my husband has some LD characteristics, such as being unable to connect the dots, needing to shut down the thinking brain in times of emotional stress, and difficulty with working memory. Hecalso may have some Aspergers. Both of our disabilities have caused great problems in our marriage, but I think we are finally seeing that the disabilities are getting in the way of a loving relationship– we are beginning to adjust our expectations to align with our actual capacities, and learning to work from our strengths, such as my impulsive love of adventure and his rock-steady consistency. Thank you for the article. It explained a lot.

  11. My IQ below 70 when I was in 1st grade, I have always been in EMR class, till I was in 10th grade. I have been fighting for my rights, as a LD human being are a low IQ subject all though school. because they act like I could not do anything..but feel sorry for me. time I fought get out of EMR, class, though others and got tested a hundred times, by LD class I did n even know my time tables. which I had to go to school, and take GED classes, just pass my diploma . so by the time I got that I was in my 20’s.. got diploma off Nursing school I finally thought I can go on with life!! well after being excepted in college, took my basic, The Nursing teacher, said you could not be a Nurse, because you was in EMR, and you have a special diploma. I thought are you KIDDING!! but yes its true, as a LD are EMR, even know you pass, all your high school test you still don’t get the same diploma, as the next person, so with that said, people best thing to do get your kid take the GED. I should no, I’m 47 worked 10 years as a Nurse asst. 10 years as a Armed Federal officer. I still have a Low IQ, but have high IQ children. Oh yea, only regrets I have I should went to court when I was asked too. fight this, where people like me, in LD or EMR, don’t get diplomas, its sad. really. No Doctor are Meds is a cure, you just have to learn to deal with it. Art is the key, get a hobby relive stress. do something eles, beside worry and work..

  12. Hi my name is Katie Familia n I have struggled with a learning disability since I was in the 3 grade n I ENDURED ALOT OF HUMULIATION RIDICULE MOLESTATION FROM A CLASSMATE I NEVER TOLD ANYONE I WAS BULLIED I WAS SLAPPED IN THE FACE BY ANOTHER CLASS MATE I HATED GOING TO SCHOOL BECAUSE THERE WAS NOT A DAY THAT I WAS NOT HARRASSED OR BULLIED I NEVER TOLD MY TEACHERS NOR MY GUIDANCE COUNSLER NOT EVEN MY PARENTS THEN WHEN I GRADUATED FROM JUNIOR HIGH THE ABUSE FINALLY STOPPED ! WHEN I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL EVERYTHING WAS MUCH BETTER ! I was no longer bullied. I did better academacally! Alot of the people in reugular ed would laugh at me n the other people in special ed n I didnt care! I graduated from high school! I went to colledge but I dropped out because I could not keep up I had so much trouble with math n remembering what the professors would say! I went to a vocational school for 9 months n I got my medical asstiant diploma n it took me 2 years to find a job! My cousin found me a job as a medical records clerk ! So I took the job it did not pay much 9.00 an hour! I WAS VERY UNHAPPY IN THAT JOB! THE MANAGER WOULD THREATEN ME CONSTANTLEY THAT SHE WOULD FIRE ME ! SHE MADE ME CRY SO MUCH! SHE WILL RIGHT ME UP FOR THINGS I NEVER DID! THE GIRLS IN THE FRONT SAID I MADE TOO MANY MISTAKES N THAT I WAS TO SLOW AT DOING MY JOB THAT I DID NOT KNOW HOW WHAT I WAS DOING THAT I DID NOT FINISH MY WORK! It was awful every day I would go home with tears on my eyes! I never told anyone anything! I did not sleep at night! I started having anxiety attacks n panick attacks while I WOULD BE DRIVING OR GETTING READY TO GO TO WORK ! I ended up getting Depression n High blood preassure as well ! My father adviced me to quit n so did my psychiatrist so ten years later 1-16-2017 I left ! I am so much better now but I AM GOING THRU ALOT BECAUSE I CANNOT FIND A JOB! I been on 2 interviews n I disclosed that I HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY N THEY WONT HIRE ME BECAUSE OF THAT! I am frustrated upset n Depress N I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I NEED TO TAKE MEDICATIONS FOR MY ANXIETY DEPRESSION. OCD PTS PANIC ATTACKS MIGRAINS HIGH BLOOD PREASSURE N I DONT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE! I AM RUNNING LOW ON CASH!

  13. Hi I am 24 yrs old a student at university doing my honours. I always struggled at school, and my first few years at university until now
    I never knew I had LDA but in this year of my honours I find that I have a problem concentrating and remembering my work,sometimes I go completely blank in the exam. I’m very depressed and stressed because the work load is expanding and I am so behind with my assignments and studying and I cannot focus . I need help and some advise as to what to do. If anyone was or is in a situation like I am, please tell me how to cope and how to handle this. Time is running out. If anyone knows where I should go to OR who I should see for this problem. Please share your advise with me. As I am desperate. Regards Anusha

    • LDA of America says:

      I would suggest that you find a physician in your area who has experience working with adults with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder and make an appointment to determine if you have AD/HD and if medications might help you. If you do have AD/HD, that might be the cause of your depression and stress. If not, I would suggest that you visit your college’s counseling office or a counseling facility in your area for support as soon as possible. As students with disabilities get closer to the end of their academic year or academic career, the stakes are high, and emotions can run high as well.

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